What I've Been Thinking About: Nice vs. Kind

I was thinking the other day about how some of the people I respect the most are the ones that were brave enough to give me real constructive feedback.

I remember about 25 years ago I had a mentor named Bill. I was an intern and rolled into the meeting about 10 minutes late wearing my pajamas complete with my Cookie Monster slippers. I plopped myself down in the chair and said something like, “What’s up?”

I will never forget the question he asked me that day. He said, “Paul, why are you here?” I said, “Like why am I here on earth or why am I in this meeting?” He simply repeated the question, “Paul, why are you here?” I said, “To tell people about Jesus.” He then replied, “How many Bible studies do you have set up?” I sheepishly said, “None.” He then asked, “How many hours a day do you pray for non-Christians to come to know Jesus?” I said, “Uhhh, I don’t know.” He then asked, “How much time do you spend out and about trying to set up Bible studies?” I said, “Humm…good question.” He then went in for the knock out punch and asked, “How many hours a day do you spend hanging out and playing video games?” I said, “Ok, I get your point.”

After the questions he looked me in the eye and simply said, “Paul, get to work.”

That conversation changed my life. Bill cared enough to speak the truth to me.

After all, that is what growth is, its “truth + grace over time.”

The reason I listened is because he wasn’t being a jerk, he was being a friend.

While I wouldn’t necessarily call him “nice",” I do believe he was “kind.”

You see, what I have learned over the years (or if I am honest, still learning) is there is a difference between friction and tension. Friction leads to conflict while tension leads to growth.

Think, for example, about a rubber band. Tension is what makes a rubber band work. If it is too loose, it doesn’t hold anything together. If it is too tight, it breaks. This is the way it is with people.

Every relationship, especially when you are working with people, needs to keep the tension between results and relationships.

If there is no results and no accountability, then things do not hold together.

If there is no relationship, then things tend to break.

When we are talking to people, we need to trust the relationship enough to tell them the last 10% that we sometimes hold back from them.

If we don’t, what that means is we are settling for being nice instead of kind. We care more about avoiding conflict than we do the person we have a relationship with.

Let us all commit today, that instead of being nice we will be kind. Kindness means delivering truth in a grace-filled way. It means saying that last 10% that we tend to hold back and not want to share. It means giving them the feedback they may not want to hear, but that they desperately need to hear. At the end of the day, I guarantee they will respect you for it.

Be blessed,

Paul